I really wanted Wanted to be better than it was.
(I think that was the theme of the day.)
Hard to pay attention with crushing contractions every five minutes.
Left the theater and went out to the bench outside to breathe.
The manager looked alarmed.
I was thrilled.
After the movie, James and I decided to continue on to our dinner.
Dinner was very fancy.
I supped excitedly through contractions.
My favorite dish was the scallop with squid ink tapioca.
I liked the sausage-stuffed Morels as well.
The contractions continued and got fiercer.
After we got home, we called the doula. We did this in between me gripping the table and breathing and gripping the couch and breathing and working very hard to get to the bed and breathing and then gripping the couch again. Anna the doula told me to drink a glass of wine and wait for the pains to become a little more regular.
I packed my bag.
I drank that glass of wine she recommended.
I became mighty loopy.
You could say I was wasted.
And I fell asleep immediately.
And woke up at eight the next morning.
Not to have another contraction again.
Highly satisfactory wedding anniversary none the less. We love each other even more than we did five years earlier. Marrying James was the best thing I have done so far in my life.
Two weekends ago, James and I cleaned out the garage.
I found several Rubbermaid containers filled with journals from my twenties.
They were so sad. I was so sad.
I threw them away.
It felt really good to clean that out — the sadness, the job search, the real frustration at dating and work and my body.
(Plus, I’d rather keep helenjane.com as my life record.)
It made me realize how it changed right before I met James.
That year, life started to turn around, and just like that, he arrived.
My love, my love, my love.
I hope that you get that love in your life.
I want that for you more than anything.
(Except to give birth to this baby, I might want that a little bit more.)