7 January, 2011  |   11 Comments

Opinionated tarballed mayonnaise anythings


If you tell me what food you DON’T like, I will find the same thing to be true.

Oh, you’re not a mayonnaise person because it’s so gelatinous and white?
Oh look, now mayonnaise is grossing me out.

This same thing happens to me online.

Oh, you don’t like it when middle aged women say “YO?”
Yo, okay, I’ve been shamed.
Now I don’t want to write anything because I might say yo.

Oh, you don’t like it with poetry.
Now I’m afraid to write anything because I might rhyme.

Oh, you don’t like it unless it’s a tutorial or an impassioned essay or a top 7 list or or OR.

I can’t take any more opinionated tarballed mayonnaise anythings.
Because it’s me.

So do I opt out of the conversation?
(Gross. Those. Words. Gross.
I now have a case of the

So do I install blog blockers and opinion blasters?
Do I quit reading and start writing?

How do you avoid the opinionated tarball mayonnaise anything?

11 thoughts on “Opinionated tarballed mayonnaise anythings

  1. 1
    katie says:

    HJ: Too often the ones who speak up are the ones who want to criticize (I know, I work in politics), while the ones who are perfectly satisfied stay quiet. So, I am commenting to say – “Hey, HJ! I do love your blog. And I like how you write and how sometimes you say ‘yo’ (because sometimes it just feels right). And I very much appreciate your honesty, because life just ain’t a party all the time. So thank you and keep doin’ what you’re doin’.”

  2. 2
    Jessica says:

    Um, you are not middle aged. 🙂

  3. 3
    KK says:

    Too funny HJ. I haven’t eaten a black olive ever since I read your thoughts about how they are limp, and metallic tasting. Glad to know it’s not just me. 🙂

  4. 4
    Helen Jane says:

    Katie — thanks for the kind words! I think I’m just too sensitive to external input. Time to grow rhinocerous hide.
    (electronically, that is.)

    Ha! Jessica! 35 has always been that line for me. But yes. I should probably save that term for 50, right? Thinking positive?

    And KK, you’ll be either pleased or disappointed to know that I’ve gotten over my “I Hate Black Olives” phase and am squarely in a “Meh, just not so many” phase now.

  5. 5
    Patricia says:

    When it comes to folks criticizing others about how they write or what they post online, I tend to get a bit passive aggressive. Oh, you don’t like Yo? Well that’s too bad, dude, because now you’re gonna get it from me on every damn tweet. Because that’s how I roll, yo. 🙂 It’s childish but it’s harmless and it amuses me.

    I agree on the mayo thing though. It is kind of gross and it gives me a stomach ache so at least I have an excuse for not eating it, yo. Okay. Stopping now. 😀

    But, seriously, sweet darling woman. You are talented and fantastic and awesome. And if anyone said anything that led you to believe otherwise, well, they’re just ninnies and should be ignored. Because obviously they’re silly and not in the good way.

  6. 6
    Helen Jane says:

    I think that’s my problem, no one’s criticizing me in particular. They’re just airing grievances against their fellow man and I’m taking every. stinking. one. to heart.

    Electronic Rhino-hide activate!

  7. 7
    Jane Gassner says:

    Yo! HJ! If you’re now middle-aged, then you can start writing for MidLifeBloggers! Yay!!!!!!!!!!!

  8. 8
    Alyce says:

    Well, I love mayonnaise.

  9. 9
    Sara says:

    I once was criticized for using the word “chiffonade” two posts in a row on my food blog. I still fume about it whenever I cut basil. I need a lesson on growing that special rhino-hide, apparently. Yo!

  10. 10

    a)Fuck’ em if they can’t take a joke.
    b)Consider the source and rise above it.

  11. 11
    JenB says:

    Let me know if you figure out how to grow a super Rhino hide. Perhaps in a tutorial? :-). You are awesome fantastic and please just keep doing more of what you do.

Hooray for replies!