Top three annoying Mom Things, Helen Jane Edition:
1. Only talking to you as you leave the room
Why? Why do moms the world over pick up this habit?
Is it that my first words to my children were as they left my womb?
Maybe I just enjoyed that experience that I want to repeat it every day in every room. I loved it so much that I do it to my husband, coworkers and guests.
If you’re on the way out, that’s when I want to tell you the most important piece of information.
And I’m sorry.
2. Snack listing
Oh, did you mention you were hungry?
Let me give you a running tabulation of every possible computation of snack that’s available in our pantry and refrigerator.
Now. I will keep going.
I will start with healthy snacks and then
move to leftovers and then
finally, I shall list all of the things I’m happy to whip up for you with just a little time and effort.
As I inherited this from my mother, I give myself my own teenaged reply, “GAH. I’LL GET IT MYSELF.”
Earlier in my life, I removed the vacuum from the closet, unwound the cord and pushed on, cleaning floors in a focused manner.
But now, now I vacuum with flourish, I dance with it, I poke the vacuum at peoples’ feet, I sing.
I’m a vacuuming fairy with all the shit that goes with it. And I will embarrass you. You will feel embarrassed for me when you see me do it and if you are my child, you will die of mortification on the spot, just die. VACUUM!!!
I know you have them. Even if you’re not a Mom, you have Mom things. Even if you’re a Dad or a pet-owner or an owner of an aging human body, you have Mom things.
So confess! What are those things? What are your Mom things?