- I am so glad that I tried things I haven

There’s a quote by W.H. Auden.
“Perhaps there is only one cardinal sin: impatience. Because of impatience we were driven out of Paradise, because of impatience we cannot return.”

Impatience is my very worst trait.

I’m haunted by the people I’ve tailgated, the rolled eyes in line, the zooming around the elderly and very young on the sidewalk.

With children, with my children, I fight that impulse every day.
Help me to overcome that tendency.

For all these alcohol-related events going on around here, I’m maintaining well. I usually go home early, I’m tired and there’s a wiggly toddler on my hip.

It’s just usually that my belly gets heavy and my feet get tired and lo, I’m already six months pregnant? Like, how did that happen?

Seriously, you readers have to be with me on this.
Didn’t I go from announcing my pregnancy to the third trimester rather, well, speedily?

I understand there’s lots going on and we’re busy, but it sort of feels like I gained 15 pounds in my belly in two weeks.

Yeah, I’m finding balance too, just like Troemner.

I’ve dropped daily Graces, you’ve probably noticed.

Realized they’d outlived their utility for me. Daily, I caused myself more stress writing them than the solace provided.

But if I had to come up with some today, they’d look like this:

1. Farmer’s market Caramel Pear Butter from the students at the Culinary Institute.

2. New computer setting up. I’m at inbox zero! Ha ha ha. Ha.

3. PSD to HTML companies saving me weeks of work.

4. Cheesewhizzes event tomorrow, Cheesewhizzes excitement in the months ahead. You too can throw a Cheesewhizzes party! It’s a brokey party too! If you’re brokey, Cheesewhizzes is just the thing for you! More coming all about it next week!

5. My craving for anchovy sandwiches. As typical as it could be for a pregnant lady, at eight am each morning, I toast bread, melt some extraordinarily sharp white cheddar on said bread and lay out 8 anchovies on top of the cheese. I have to eat these in private, away from the dog and baby’s judging eyes, but ohmytheyaresogoodwiththeirsaltyfishiness. Anchovy sandwiches.

So things are good around here, is what I’m trying to say.
Busy, but good.

I wrote every day to my developing fetus an alphabet letter worth of motherhood thoughts. That month is hers.

This month’s theme being “Tomorrow,” well, it’s time to devote a month of thoughts to the baby set to emerge from my uterus in December.

Baby, tomorrow I am 22 weeks pregnant with you. You kick and squirm and move unlike anything I’ve ever had in my body. Every time I look down, my stomach shifts back and forth. I’m so proud of you already and you’re only half-baked.

Happy 22 weeks tomorrow, I’m so lucky to know you.

There’s been brutal morning sickness, awful depression, and some nasty exhaustion.

Nora Lea stopping breastfeeding and new pregnancy hormones have conspired to have me alternately crying inconsolably and staring out the window blankly.

I have not felt grateful for anything, really.
It’s all I can do to get my work done, and then sleep.
Sometimes I cry before, sometimes after.

James’ last 4 weekends have been spent watching the baby while I weep and watching the baby while I sleep.

The doctor says that it just seems worse because last time, I could enjoy a ginger ale and rest. This time, I’m chasing a ten month old girl away from the dog, electrical outlets and the xBox. I think it’s just worse than it was last time.

I know up in my brain that this seemingly endless repetition of diapers, dishes, laundry, work, nausea, and exhaustion is not really endless.

It’s my heart that worries that life will be like this forever.

My heart worries that this drudgery of money worries, baby feedings, dog crap pick up, crippling nausea, water heater disasters, exhaustion and missed deadlines is my life from now to forever.

My heart’s been wrong before.
Fingers crossed that my heart is wrong again.